by N.K.L. Storm
[Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs, administered by Paul and Storm]
[editor’s note: a very pretty and smart-looking young lady, possibly as old as fifteen, brought this chapter to the editor’s door and rang the bell. Before the editor could open said door, however, the young lady ran back down the walkway and down the street, leaving the type-written pages on the doormat.
The top page read: “Sorry about my mom. She means well <3 . I think she likes you <3 . And please don’t take anything out of my story again. Yes I totally used stuff from wikipedia, but anyone can do that because the government pays for it. But I’m not mad at you or anything (^_^) EMILY”]
The year is, like, -5,000 or something, so everything is very, very old and dusty indeed. A man is standing over this tomb-thing that sort of looks like a dude, except it’s gold, and the face kind of looks like it has mascara on it. The man is crying, but he’s still very manly, because he’s obviously dealing with some pretty heavy crap.
“Oh, my son! My only, lone only son!” wails the crying dad. “You were alive, but now you’re totally dead–and I think it was my fault or something!”
There’s a cat there, too, and the cat is also sort of crying, because cats care more than ANYONE, except for maybe horses (or, clearly, unicorns, but there aren’t any anymore, remember? Atlantis? Helloooo?) And it’s a very familiar looking cat, we think, maybe. The man looks at the cat and suddenly gets this idea, like the cat has told him something–something mystical indeed.
“Yes…yes, Smudgisis–that could work!” says the man, who lifts the lid of the tomb-thing, which is very heavy, but you can do amazing things when you’re being spooky.
Inside is a young man, and he’s not looking well at all. In fact he is dead.
“Oh, my precious Ancient Egyptian boy king Tutankhamun!” wails anew the bereaved father, and Smudgisis wails some, too. “But don’t worry–your faithful and very holy cat has told me how I can totally bring you back…TO LIFE!” Now the dad starts doing that evil genius mad laughing thing, so you can see that he’s certainly gone off the deep end.
“I’ll be right back,” he says to his dead son. “I need to go find some rags.”
So the sad dad finds some old togas or something and tears them up, and Smudgisis helps, which is very cute. And he comes back to his son, who we now see is in the basement of a really big pyramid, and he does a bunch of stuff to him that’s kind of gross. I think maybe he takes his brains out, but I really don’t want to think about it. So just know that it’s this big ritual, and the dad is all serious, and so is the cat. And YES this is all important and has to do with other stuff, and I PROMISE the big vampyre/mummy showdown will start soon–and it is GUARANTEED to be SEXY–so just hold your horses.
“Ra’ a ba! La-la ba-ra la-ba-bo!!!” shouts out the dad, whose eyes are filled with crazy, and then he wraps up his dead son in the rags. “Ab-fa-win-ma-turk-lin-ach! Boo! There. That should do it.”
Suddenly the son is not so dead, and he springs up (because he is very athletic)(!!!) and grabs his dad by the throat.
“Woah! Hey! Stop!” shouts the dad, who is entirely not expecting this. But he shouldn’t have gone messing with weird stuff, we’re thinking. “Wait! Don’t you recognize me? I’m your father! Don’t curse me like this! Oh, no! Gack!”
And now it is the dad’s turn to be dead, and he is (for good???) And as soon as the last breath perspires from the man’s lungs, the boy-mummy sort of comes to his senses.
“Oh, no!” says the young man-mummy, shaking off the old rags. “I killed my dad!” Smudgisis rubs up against his legs and purrs, but it sounds like words to the boy. “Oh, I see. So my dad didn’t do the whole mummying thing the right way, so I was evil for a second, and I killed him, but now I’m fine.”
Smudgisis purrs louder now, because the boy isn’t as dumb as he looks (and he does look very dumb, if hunky indeed!) The boy pets his cat, and you can tell he’s got his thinking cap on.
“Because I killed my dad, I’m dreadfully not deserving of my name. From now on, I shall be known only as………………………… …………………………………… ………………………………………………. …………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………….Tutt! And as a way to attune for this griefish sin I have committed, I swear on my dead father’s dead body, which is right over there, that I will use my new life to stop people from doing stupid things with magic!” says Tutt. “For I have lost my father, and it’s the least I can do.”
Now a rumble comes from deep in the bowls of the earth, and the walls get all shaky and crumbly. The man-boy-mummy looks all around, like he’s dumb, but he’s not, probably. In fact he’s likely doing a complex series of equations that are well beyond any mere mortal’s mind to comprehend, because even though he’s a strong hunk and all, it will take more than sheer brown to survive the foreshadowed pyramid collapse. But he HAS to survive, for though he has shaken off death’s meaty fist, he has a most important mission.
He has to tell his One True Love that he is still alive.
“Stay close to me, Smudgisis!” says hunky, hunky Tutt. “I will lead us out of this, like a team!”
The line of vampyres was looking astoundingly extra-sexy and gothy, all standing there like they just didn’t care or anything. And on a scale of 1 to 10 on the gothic meter, they just didn’t care. Some of them were popping bubblegum bubbles, because that’s precisely how much they didn’t care. But they knew that to the raggy old mummies it was like they were saying “Ooooooh, we’re all, like, soooooo scaaaaared!”
There were just as many mummies in the roller rink club as there were vampyres, and you could tell that they were trying to be all blasé, too, but there’s no way they could pull it off. NO. WAY. I mean, they pretty much looked like they were wearing toilet paper.
For just about forever they stared at each other (some with very sexy eyes!) sizing each other’s up. At first Emily thought that the vampyres were for sure going to get their butts kicked, because all of the mummies looked like they were jocks or something. Even the chicks were all buff. But then she remembered that the vampyren had special powers and stuff, so maybe the shoe would be on the other foot.
“You shouldn’t have come here,” said Nightfin, stepping forward, and Emily wanted to hug him or something. “This is the lair of the vampyren, and you totally aren’t vampyres.”
All of the vampyres laughed, because it was funny, because the mummies most certainly were NOT vampyres.
“You should never have come back to this world,” said a mummy as he stepped forward, and Emily thought his voice seemed veeery familiar–and most certainly hunky– even if she couldn’t see his face.
“We go where we please,” said Nightfin, who took a step to the right. “See? I’m over here now, because I want to be. Is that some kind of biggie to you? Are you going to stab me in the back now? Because that’s what mummies like to do, right? Kill people’s fathers? Right? Huh? Like you killed mine? Right? Eh? Yeah? HUH?!”
Some of the vampyres sort of looked at each other, because Nightfin had kind of lost his blasé for a second. But the head mummy’s blasé seemed even more shaken, and he didn’t have much to begin with.
“You have a big mouth, Daggarhart,” said the hunky mummy, and he lurched forward at Nightfin.
“Whoa, wait now!” said Nightfin. “I was just kidding and stuff. Gimmie five–down low!”
Nightfin held his hand out, palm up, and Emily was glad that it looked like they wouldn’t have to resort to violents. The mummy calmed down and looked around at his fellow mums, and they all sort of nodded their heads.
“Yeah, okay,” said the mummy, swinging his hand down. But at the last second, Nightfin totally moved his hand away, all fast and sexy smooth, and slicked his hair back and ZING! revealed his flashy-blue eyes!
“Oh, no! Too slow!” said Nightfin, and all of the vampyres laughed and gave each other all kinds of crazy high fives, jumping off the walls and flipping and stuff. The exotic vampyres did this elbow-five thing, and we notice again that there are black vampyres there, too.
Nightfin came over to Emily to give her a special high five, but she wasn’t sure how blasé it really was. I mean, why couldn’t vampyres and mummies be friends?
Luckily, someone slapped someone else in the yapper, and she didn’t have to decide whether or not to spurn her soulmate’s triumphy gesture.
“Ow!” said Sexxica, who was holding her hand to her mouth. There was a trickle of blood on her hand, and Emily nearly fainted. Everyone had been sort of scuffling around and pushing each other, but now it was SERIOUS. The room was deadly quiet, like when someone totally random farts in an elevator, probably because they couldn’t help it.
“Enough of this playing around,” said Nightfin as Trudude led Sexxica back to the bar. “It’s time to show you what we vampyren can really do.”
Poor, hunky Tutt was squashed at the bottom of the Ancient Egyptian pyramid. But fortunately for him he’d positioned himself in just such a way that he’d be able to wiggle out. UN-fortunately, it took him 100 years to do it, but he totally had to tell his One True Love that he was alive!
“This sucks,” he said after the first 10 years. But then he saw HER in his mind, and he found the strength to keep hunking through.
“Oh, no! Smudgisis!” he said after 20 years. For though Tutt was now immortal, it seems his faithful cat was not, so much. And Tutt cried, for even the beefy ones do sop the salty of tears, sometimes, when they’re buried under a pyramid. I guess.
“I’m totally almost there!” he said after 50 years. But he wasn’t, and he got pretty bummed out. But still his One True Love propellered him ever onward, through the living rock and on til morning.
“I’m there!” he shouted after 100 years, and he was. Tutt ran with the swift of the righteous all the way to his One True Love’s house, and everyone he passed was all like “woah, we thought you were dead!”, and he’d be like “Can’t stop now! My One True Love bewaits!” And they were all like “whatever”, and put their arms up and did that Egyptian walk thing.
Finally he got there, and he wasn’t even out of breath, and he knocked on the door. This really happened.
“Hello?” said this really, really, really old woman.
“Is that you, Cleopatra?” said Tutt, who totally didn’t care that she was a wrinkly old prune–she was still his One True Love, and he could use his new mummy power to make her beautiful again! But the woman made this face like “wha???!!!”, and Tutt knew that it wasn’t her.
“Cleopatra was my great grandma,” said the woman, who was all wise and sad. “You must be Tutankhamun–her One True Love that died, like, 100 years ago.”
Tutt wanted to jump off a cliff or something, but he knew it wouldn’t kill him, so he just stood there looking really, really dumb for a while. Finally the old woman took him by the hand and led him to Cleopatra’s tomb, which was totally the Taj Mahal.
“Oh, no!” wailed Tutt as he read the inscription on the wall, which read:
“Dear anyone who might read this, especially my One True Love. After you left me, I realized I was just some stupid and ugly little dorky girl, with bad clothes, and I just didn’t care anymore. You probably never liked me at all, anyway. So when this guy showed up and was all blasé and stuff, I was all like ‘I like you!’ And for a while it seemed like he liked me, and he said he was something called a vam-PYRE. But he was a big fat liar about everything, I’m thinking, and I had his baby, and then he left me. And it sucked. And now I’m dead. I hope you’re happy. Love, Cleo.”
And with each word he read, Tutt swore on everything that can be sworn at that he would avenge her, and himself, and his dad, and his cat. He would find these vampyres indeed, and show them the what’s-for.
Tutt was ready to bust some heads, and so were all of his buff friends. Through the ages they’d battled with the vampyres, but they’d never been able to gang up on them like this before. But there was something else tonight that Tutt wanted even more than to kick Nightfin in the nads.
The girl. Emily. It was SHE that had drawn him here to the pesticide layer of the vampyres. There was something about her…something about her…something…True???
“Get ready to have your world rocked,” said Nightfin. All of the vampyres had formed up into this extra-sexy formation, like a really awesome dance squad that you can’t get onto, even though you practiced for a whole month and acted really nice to them, even though you thought they were kind of bitchy.
All of the mummies were like “HUH?!?!”, for the vampyres were using mystycyl pwyrs, and all of the mummy’s brown was for not. Then Trudude popped up behind the bar, and he totally had this awesome DJ rig!!!!
“Ho! Yo! Ho!” he shouted as he started to kick out these really fat beats. Then the girl vampyres, led by Sexxica, started doing this really sexy dance, and the guys sort of stood there looking sexy. The mummies just stood there like dum-dums, because they were totally getting schooled! Then Trudude started doing some rapping.
“My name is Trudude and I’m looking at you, dude!
You better watch out, all the cows say Moo, dude!
Your gonna get rocked, but not with rock
Because rock music sucks and rap’s the best!
Now I’m pretty good but there’s a guy who’s even better
He doesn’t wear rags and he doesn’t have a sweater
In fact you could say that today he is blasé
And here he comes now, just to blow you away!”
Then Nightfin exploded out from NOWHERE, all flipping around and stuff, and Emily started jumping up and down because it was so COOL, and she didn’t have to fart. Nightfin winked at her, even though he was in the middle of a big battle and stuff, and their eyes took a vacation together on a Disney cruise, just for them.
But for everyone else it was just a second, and in lickety-split Nightfin went into his war rap, which went something like this:
“I am the man with the sexy blue eyes
You mummy’s think you’re all that–whoops, surprise!
You ain’t gothic and sexy like me
I’m so sexy I should be on TV
My name is Nightfin!
And I have bright skin!
In a lineup of blase I would fit right in!
So okay–you might have guessed, well I’m impressed–NOT!
Now I’m gonna do a little dance just like a ro-BOT!
And then Nightfin did this awesome break dance, but all sexy, and the exotic vampyre dude sort of danced along with him but not quite as good. Then Sexxica did this slutty dance in front of Tutt, like she liked him, but then she was all like “nah-uh!” and walked away, and she got all KINDS of high fives from the other vampyres! Then Nighfin rapped more, exactly like this:
“I am the guy who won Emily’s heart!
I didn’t care when she had to run home!
I think she’s great, she is one of a kind!
I have great hair, and she loves my blue eyes!
I gave her ice cream cuz she’s one special girl!
I am so sexy, that’s why Emily loves me!
I will live forever and never go to school!
I would die for her if it were possible for me to die!
I dance good!
I dress great!
I like Emily!
I have an awesome car!
I hate mummies!
I have lots of friends!
Take it, Trudude!”
And Trudude started doing this wicked beat-boxing, and all the vampyres danced to it for a long time, and then Nightfin leaped up and did, like, 1,000 jumping jacks, and then the moonwalk. And all the vampyres started cheering and high-fiving, because they knew they’d totally pwned the mummies!
Except that when they looked up, all of the mummies were gone.
And so was Emily.
END OF PART 7