by N.K.L. Storm
[Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs, administered by Paul and Storm]
[editor’s note: this chapter was hand-delivered by a woman who identified her
self as Emily’s mother, who informed the editor that she would have called the police except that it would have broken her daughter’s heart. She also told the editor that despite the “harsh characterization” of the mother in Emily’s story, she herself bore little resemblance to the character. She further noted that while she wished to encourage her daughter to explore her “wild and original imagination”, she has cautioned Emily about making things “too sexy”. She also wished it to be stated for the record that vampyres do, in fact, sometimes like older women.]
So before I tell you about the awesome fight scene and stuff, there’s a couple of things I forgot to put in the last chapter, but I forgot or something.
So remember the part where Emily’s in her room with her sweet new clothes, and her mom comes in and she’s all like “duhhhhh!”? Well she was just pretending to be all stupid, but wasn’t really. In fact she’s extraneously smart. And right before she told Emily that Charlie Bannister was there, she totally gave Emily her Christmas present early–and it ROCKED. Emily had asked for an iPod that year, and though her mom bought her a Zune, it turns out that the Zune is AWESOME and WAY BETTER THAN A STUPID IPOD, no matter what anyone says (especially Emily’s lame-o friends who only have stupid little no-name chunk blowers that most decidedly DO NOT have distinguishing features like its FM radio, subscription model, and the Zune Social. FM radio is available on all Zune hardware models, while Zune HD also features HD radio. FM radio features include RBDS, which receives and displays digital information in conventional FM radio broadcasts. Files can be shared wirelessly between Zunes and PCs as well as other Zune devices. Zune’s primary competitor is the Apple iPod product line.)
[editors note: at this point, three pages of text that seem to have been lifted directly from Wikipedia have been cut from the original manuscript.]
So all the vampyres were like “woah!” and “Aaaaah!” and “wooga-wooga!” and running around in crazy circles because the mummies were coming–except for Nightfin, who just stood in the middle of the roller rink bar all yawning and stuff, because he was so sexy calm. And he was Emily’s anchor rock, and she freaked out not at all.
“What are we to do?” asked Emily, who had no clue, except those little diamond hint glints that glanced from Nightfin’s eyes.
“Don’t worry, baby,” said he, and he yawned again to show just how unflummoxed he was. “Mummies are super-slow, so it’ll be a while. In fact, I should have just enough time to answer all the questions that you haven’t asked, but that I know you’ve wanted to ask, about we vampyres and how it is we’ve come to live here in your town, and why we don’t die in the sun, and why we’re ever so sexy.”
Emily was amazed at how acute Nightfin was at reading her mind, but then again she wasn’t, really. She was just about to tell him to start telling her about all that stuff, but he guessed that, too. And as she gazed at those two visual organs just below his brow, he just started talking…
“Many, many, many moons ago, my people roamed in ancient places, having come from other places. And it was good. We had parties and stuff, and we could stay out all night if we wanted, and pretty much did what we felt like.
We had an awesome city and abundance lands, and we rode around on unicorns all day long through forests primeval. And it was good. And the unicorns could talk, and they’d tell you how pretty you were, and how no one could ride them except the most special people, which was us–the vampyres.
None of us were ever old, except maybe for my dad, Moonglow Daggarhart, and his friends and stuff, who were all, like, 40 or something. But mostly none of us were old.
Well, for some reason we had to move. It was an earthquake or something. And our beautiful city crumbled down, down into the sea. Many vampyres died, and all of the poor unicorns drowned, which is why they don’t exist anymore. And you know what? That city of ours was totally the lost city of Atlantis. I know–wow, right?
So we were cast to the four corners of the earth. And what really sucked is that we lost all of our vampyre powers when we lost our city. Like we could no longer fly anymore (because we could–in Atlantis), or move things around with our minds, or juggle. And our teeth were no longer totally straight and gleaming.
It sucked raw. I remember the first town we went to, and the stupid villagers were all like ‘you’re all stupid!’ and they persecuted us with sticks. So we didn’t stay there. But eventually we found a land where the people weren’t total douchebags, Cyzgmrvyzzkavania, and we prospered. We were kind of good at doing stuff, but it was really by learning to be really sexy that made us survive. And then quite by accident a vampyre boy unlocked the secret to all of the lost powers of the vampyren, and it would lead to our dishevelment.
He was just walking along with a village girl, who (can you blame her?) was totally in love with the vampyre boy. And she was very, very beautiful–much (or maybe exactly???) like you, Emily Smithingtonson. And the boy was thinking he’d like to marry her, because she was pretty special alright, and was just about to ask when the girl spoke.
‘I have to tell you something,’ she said, and the boy could tell from her frowny-face that it wasn’t going to be good.
‘What is it, my love,’ said the boy, whose eyes were the color of what you’d get if you could squeeze all of the sky into a glass through a paper towel. For a long, long time the girl didn’t speak, but simply drank in the strained and concentrated goodness that was his gaze.
‘I’m totally dying,’ she said.
‘Oh, no!’ said the boy who, as you can imagine, felt like his heart had just been shot through by one of those bow and arrow thingies that’s sort of like a gun, with a trigger and stuff. ‘I don’t want to live if you die!’
‘No, no, my love!’ said the girl, whose beauty braved him greatly. ‘Ours is a love eternal, despite any fire and all the rain.’
Together they fell into an embrace, and she lay her heart and head upon him. Forever and a Tuesday they stood swaying together, like a tree and the bark that surrounds the tree or, really, is part of the tree. And just as the primary components of vascular tissue in plants are phloem and xylem, so too were the young, ripe pair each others component that facilitated the transport of nutrients to the furthest stretches of each others soul.
At long last the girl looked up at her sturdy/sexy boy, and great tears did well up in her eyes. The boy looked down and saw in those preternatural tears a billion-kajillion fun happy dreams that could never, ever, EVER be. So he kissed her.
And though he originally thought he’d go for it and kiss her on the lips, those very sexy lips couldn’t wait to get all the way down to her mouth, and they grazed down onto her eye, and it was the purest kiss of any kind by anyone anywhere ever. And he tasted her tears.
And it was good.
The boy felt an awesome rushy flush of something or other, like he’d just been told they were having tacos for dinner, and he knew that it was the power of her tears. The girl began to weep as she mulled her doom, and every drop found a home on the boy’s lips and, hence, his digestive tract.
As he drank the girl’s death-sorrows, the boy felt like he could do ANYTHING, for the salty imbibement was indeed poking his long-napping vampyre powers to life. Maybe he could fly again? Maybe he could juggle? Or…maybe he could save her!
‘Of what manner of disease do you suffer?’ he asked with implore.
‘It’s leprosy or something,’ said the girl, and just at that moment she clutched at her chest. The boy ratcheted his brain trying to remember how to cure leprosy or something, but it had been too many hundreds of years since he’d done it.
‘Ack!’ she said as the cruel disease began its final ravaging.
‘Wait, no!’ shouted the boy, who cursed his brain for picking such a poor time to be a dum-dum.
‘I could wait forever, just a minute at a time,’ said the girl, a won smile coming to her lips. But clearly she was a goner. ‘However, this is not the time and place for you and I, together. But into eternity I will cherish you, and this, and it was really great.’
‘You are my first. You’ll be the last,’ said the boy, and then the girl dissipated and was gone. The boy howled up into the sky, and to this day you can still hear it echoing in certain places of the world, especially if you’re by yourself in the woods near your house, or listening to sad songs on a Zune.
Don’t forget about the mummies–they’re still coming!
“And so it was that the vampyren discovered how to get their powers back, and to make their teeth straight and white again,” said Nightfin, who looked to Emily like a wounded bird that had been carefully mended over time, only to be cast down into howling, sad darkness.
“You were the boy in that story, weren’t you?” said Emily, whose soul, as usual, knew a lot more than she did.
“Totally,” said Nightfin, and it seemed to Emily that he was going to say something else–something that would be HUGE to her (and possibly even ABOUT her, maybe–or maybe not! We don’t really know!) But he didn’t, and almost immediately he regained his blasé. Emily decided not to push it, buster, and asked a different question.
“So all of the vampyres started drinking human tears to get their powers back, right?” was her question.
“Yep,” was Nightfin’s answer. Now it was Emily’s turn to blurt stuff out, because she’d so completely figured out what happened to the vampyres next, because maybe she’s not really so stupid at all, huh?
“And I bet that when the vampyren got there powers back, they became wicked awesome at doing things, and it was a total Golded Age,” said Emily, but Nightfin’s eyes looked like they were going “ha-ha!” Not like he was laughing at her for being stupid (because she wasn’t), but more of like in an ironical way, like he totally WISHED it was a Golded Age.
“Tragically it was not so, though it might have been if we didn’t muff it up so bad,” said Nightfin, shaking his head. “So I told my dad about the crying thing, and he was all like ‘Awesome!’ And he told everyone, and all the vampyres started going around making all of the human villagers cry so that they could drink their empower tears.”
“Oh, Nightfin, no!” said Emily, who imagined how sad the villagers must have been. It was probably like having your cat die, but every day.
“Yeah, I know,” said Nightfin. “If I’d realized what would happen, I would have kept my stupid mouth shut.”
An embracement was in order, and they hugged, and it was awesome.
“So yes, we vampyres did get really good at doing things, and indeed we did do a lot of blasé things for the villagers, even if they were sad all of the time,” said Nightfin, with whist.
Emily was confused. “So if making the villagers sad didn’t piss them off, what happened?”
Nighfin’s eyes lifted a lot of gravity into Emily’s, and broody darkness brooded there upon his loftless words. “With great power comes great sexiness.”
Emily gasped, for she knew how potable sexiness could be. “What happened?”
“The villagers, though we vampyren had greatly improved their stuff, resented us,” said Nightfin, who now looked kind of mean, and his teeth sort of glowed. “Some of them started to spread rumors about us–like how we drank blood with fangs, and that we hated the sun (which they just LOVED), and didn’t cook with garlic, and broke mirrors, and didn’t wash our hands after going number two, and had whiny voices, and dressed dorky, and wore black capes, and were friends with Frankenstein.”
“Oh, no!” said Emily, who knew that none of these things were true about the vampyren!
“Yeah,” said Nightfin, who you could tell was getting totally torqued up. “Everything good about us was made to be all upside-down, and they started prosecuting us every chance they got. First they said we weren’t allowed to smile, because we might bite them or something. Then they made us eat a lot of garlic, because they wanted us to be all stinky like them. Then they would beat us up if we came out during the day, though in truth most of us hung out mostly at night anyway, because it was more sexy. But still, it sucked.”
“Finally, we vampyren had had enough of the jealousy and intoleration, and decided it was time to do something about it. The year was 1647,” said Nightfin, who was quite frankly looking rather angry, with a heaping side of sexy. Emily already sort of knew what happened, but she let him finish.
“So my dad challenged the Elders of Cyzgmrvyzzkavania to a duel,” said Nightfin, and pillows and swizzle sticks began to blow around the room, knocking into the other vampyres as they got ready for the mummy invasion.
“All of them?” asked Emily.
“Yep. And there were, like, 20 of them or something, which is a lot.”
“I know,” said Nightfin. “And they agreed that if he could defeat them, the vampyres could live in the village forever and ever and not get beat up again. But if he lost, they’d all have to leave and never come back. And he totally beat them.”
“Wait, I’m confused,” said Emily. “I thought that Smiggle Bigglye, um…defeated your dad.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” shouted Nightfin, and a platter on a nearby table shattered, scattering onion rings and sliders everywhere. Nighfin’s eyes glowed like colicky sapphires, and a dread moan rose from somewhere just outside of the roller rink club.
“My dad won fair and square!” said Nightfin, who turned to the front door with great umbridge. “But that night, Smiggle Bigglye sneaked up on him–and totally stabbed him dead!”
Now it was Emily’s turn to say “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”, which she totally did. Emily could hardly believe the treason of such a person, and felt her own blood ooze with pestilence.
Now all of the vampyres stood together in a sexy double line, ready to meet the mummy onslaughter. Trudude and Sexxica were side by side, looking like they were all that, and they were indeed. As were they others, and they were all comprised of fierce.
There was a loud bang on the door–then another–THEN ANOTHER! BANG! went the door! BANG BANG BANGY BANG! Nightfin gently pushed Emily back behind the line, for she was treasure beyond measure.
“There’s one more thing you should know about Smiggle Bigglye,” said Nightfin, who never looked sexier WOW he was sexy!
BANG! and the door began to splinter.
BANG! the door bomb burst in the air, and beclothed figures began to lurch into the club.
“Smiggle Bigglye was a mummy!”
END OF PART 6