Emily and the Really Sexy Vampyre – Part 5

by N.K.L. Storm

[Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs, administered by Paul and Storm]

[editor’s note: “Emily” once again left the chapter in the editor’s mailbox with a note, this time written on a slip of paper that, despite efforts to obscure its origins, was quite clearly from a “Hello Kitty” notepad. It read “Hey. Please tell my fans <3 that I’m sorry about not supplying them with my eloqutive sustains in a more timely fashion. I think my slaptard brother knows about it (like I care!) but I don’t want him telling my mom and getting me all grounded again, so I had to wait until it was possible for me to obtain great stealth, which heretofore I have achieved.”]

Strange things were afoot upon the piebald moors that were the outer skirts of Emily’s stupid small town. Misty, swirly, swanky figures appeared there as apparitions, gathering then themselves together with bad intent, for sure. Together they swayed a terrible sway, in a manner that would certainly be recognized by an ancient and quite possibly prehistoric person, who otherwise you’d probably think was a total idiot compared to us, but in this for-instance sure knows a lot more than we do, for she would indeed recognize the movements of the figurines as a most accursed dance, indeed!

Thence one, thence another, and thenst them all began a low, balmy moaning, and it was some way scary crap. (Don’t worry–there will be more sexy later!) Then every scuzzy bandaged body looked up at Emily’s forsaken town, and that most heinous juggernaut of olden slow folk began to march…

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Emily’s jaw literally dropped to the floor when she opened up her closet. For while she was expecting to see all of the stupid lame clothes that she always saw, and that she’d continue to be a LOSER her entire life because her parents would never let her wear anything even half-sexy, that’s not what she saw at all.

And this part is so cool: every awesome dress and skirt and top and shoes and EVERYTHING that she’d ever seen at the mall and thought “wow, I might not be such a DOG if I could wear that, except my stupid mom won’t let me” was in her closet now! Emily looked over her shoulders, expecting perhaps a pair of…blue eyes? But no; Nightfin’s machinations were way more subtle, and she laughed at the little girl that she no longer was for thinking he was anything other than the good sneaky.

Emily tried on, like, EVERY outfit in the closet, and each one was more awesome than the next. Smudges purred his approval, because he loved clothes that didn’t suck, too.

“Oh, Smudges!” sighed Emily, who had finally picked the most vapidly tasty outfit of the bunch. “I just hope that I can be as blasé tonight as these sweet threads are.”

Then the door knocked, and it was Emily’s mom, and Emily was all like “oh, no!” inside because she was soooo nervous now that it was actually really time to go, and Nightfin’s tongue, and she thought for sure she’d drop a deuce in her hammock, but she didn’t.

“That little sweetie-kins Charlie Bannister is here, honey,” said Emily’s mom (who Nightfin so totally didn’t care about, in the least.)

“Tell him I’m dead or something!” said panic-bundled Emily.

“Okay, but he brought you a present,” said dum-dum mom. “I’ll just tell him you don’t want it.”

Oh, gawd! What should she do? Some nascent pebble that was her youthful innocence knew that if she stepped out that door, the one right there, in front of her, in her room, that there was no turning back. Not never EVER. And Emily’s mind raced like fast things, and she thought about stuff, like being alone with sexy eyes, and walking on beaches and babies and stuff and OH GAWD!

Maybe she could just take his stupid present and then run back to her room and cry and die and never come out again and live there with Smudges and eat nothing but dust until she was DEAD!

But then again, no, she thought. That’s just the silly little girl of yesterweek peep-peeping up with her stupid blah-blah voice because she knows nothing of the world. But now she knew the boundless debts that are the vastest reaches of the biggest things, that she saw in a duality of star-cussed eyes.

Now her brave was a real one–that of a WOMAN–and she adjusted her thong before sweeping through the door, past vampyre-charmed mom, to meet her density.

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Nightfin-Charlie’s heads literally exploded when he saw how awesome Emily looked (because she did look totally tight, even if she never ever believed she could. But she can–she so TOTALLY can!) He was all like “buh-buh-buh”, and Emily wanted to hug him because he was so stupid, but she didn’t, though he was entirely dumb-sexy. For Emily wielded more empower than before, and had awesome clothes.

“Shall we traipse, Charlie?” said Emily, who looked and felt every bit the sophist.

“Erm, uh, duhhhhh,” said Nightfin, as if he’d been hit by a hockey bat. Then he got his act together, bode Emily’s mother good night, and out the door they went. Sexy.

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Others were also slumping out into the night, and they too were sexy–NOT! They were smelly and raggy (or were they, really???), and they were mysterious and don’t you want to know who they are?

Together they stumbled up towards town–Emily’s town, where Emily rode in a blasé fast car with a sexy driver indeed towards destinations unbeknownst–with one extra-big one leading them ever onward. And though the head stumbler looked (for now, but maybe not later?) like some kind of thing that gets buried (perhaps by an ancient civilization, under a geometric shape whose volume can be calculated by multiplying the area of its base by its height by 1/3), you could tell he had something going on. Like he was a leader or something.

A leader of…teams???


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By the time they got to the old roller rink, Emily no longer felt so hoi polloi. It was like some kind of magnet was sucking the awesome out of her the closer they got. She wanted to barf, but she didn’t want to despoil her tasty threads, so she didn’t. but just barely.

“Okay, we’re totally here,” said Nightfin, who was by now every bit not Charlie Bannister. Even his ears glistened with some kind of static power.

“Totally,” said Emily, who wished she could just punch herself in the stupid face and DIE.

“Don’t worry. You don’t look stupid or dorky or anything,” said Nightfin. “And I shall sully the face of him or her who sayeth otherwise.” Suddenly Emily felt pretty alright again, and it was easier for her to keep her biscuits in the pan.

They walked up to the old roller rink, which hadn’t been open in forever, like at least three years, and it had cobwebs all over it. Emily wanted to ask Nightfin if they were in the right place, but she knew she’d sound like a total dodo if she did. Indeed as the got closer she saw that there was a mysterious symbol over the door that matched the mystical swirly unicorn-thingy that was on Nightfin’s awesome car. Nightfin winked teally at her, for he knew that her brain was one that figured things out, most of the time, and he thought that was pretty okay.

“Are you ready?” said Nightfin, whose eyes were like deep, misty gorges, possibly with a waterfall powering their power, like a hydroelectric plant put up by some previous regime so many aeons ago, mysterious and unknown. Emily knew that she could not make her timponous lips breathe out blasé words, so she just nodded.

The doors parted afore them, all by themselves, and there was totally no one behind them pulling them, and they weren’t hooked up to electricity or wifi or anything, and Emily knew therefore that it was vampyre maygyc. Inside was another set of doors that Emily remembered from when she was a stupid little girl that had old posters on it, and those doors too opened up, all by themselves. But then there was ANOTHER door that she DID NOT recognize, for it was new. It was some kind of maygyc metal that she’d never seen, whose color defied description, except that they were silver. And they had jewels in them that were definitely red. And some blue. And super-diamonds.

“Take this,” said Nightfin, who took a gem off the door and handed it to her. It was very impressive, indeed, and she asked him a billion questions with her questing eyes, and Nightfin answered back with a trillion answers, none of which made sense. So she put it in her pocket.

They stood there at the doors, just saying nothing (which was totally great, because she and Nightfin could laser across the universe like two spaceships just by breathing together near each other), and then Emily realized it was some kind of test. She looked at Nightfin and he nodded, because he knew that she knew what he knew that he wanted her to do. Which she HAD to do. Now.

“Um…” said Emily, not because she was dumb, but because she was thinking with her soul-well. She knew that if she said the wrong words, she’d leave false illusions behind, and that forever would she be barred from whatever it was on the other side of the door.

Emily plumped her depths, and in hazy craze saw dancing visages. For a second she freaked out, because the images came so fast that it was like being in the middle of a food fight that you did not start but got into trouble for anyway, because your stupid friends were SO immature, and yes, maybe, you threw a carrot stick. But only one, and you didn’t hit anyone, and it was sort of dried out and not even homeless people would have eaten it so, like, whatever.

Anyways, out of the miasmas rode a steedy unicorn, and it ducked its head down, and Emily patted it on the neck, and it whispered something in her ear…

“Oopus Doorus!” she shouted! And verily the door opened! Nightfin gave her a high five, and they stepped through a flavorful mist…

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The moaning trompers tromped along through the town. Because I didn’t forget about them. It’s just taking them awhile to get to the roller rink.

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Emily literally had a cow when she saw that the inside of the roller rink was totally not a roller rink at all. It was sort of like a really cool bar, with couches and pillows everywhere, and kind of dark but not in a scary way but YES sexy, and there was a bunch of people there. Or, to be more fastidious with one’s lexicon, there were VAMPYRES there.

“Hey,” said Nightfin as they walked in, all blaséxy. Some of the vampyres said “hey” back, others didn’t, and other did other things. Emily recognized a few of them–Sexxica was talking to Trudude, who was behind the bar, and the exotic girl and diverse boy were there, too. Plus there were some others, and probably a couple of black vampyres, and a smart looknig vampyre girl with short hair who was probably a feminist or something.

“Well if it isn’t little miss farty fart-fart,” said Sexxica, who was looking especially slutty. But Emily knew her whiles, and was ready for her.

“If you smelt it, you must have dealt,” said Emily, and all of vampyres went all like “oooooohhhhh!” You could tell Sexxica thought she’d make Emily cry, but she wasn’t even close.

“Well, you’re a big stinky pickle with stupid sauce, covered in stink-cheese, and smelly because you were in someone’s butt!” reported Sexxica, triumphy. By now all of the vampyres had gathered around to witness the battle of whits, and they listened intense as a sexy bunch. All eyes were on Emily, and the room was so quiet that not a single pin could drop.

“It takes one to know one!” reported Emily, and all the vampyres laughed and pointed at Sexxica, who had, in effect, had her own insult harnessed against her. Nightfin smiled and winked at Emily, and she was so happy that she thought her heart would give birth to kittens. But when she how angry Sexxica now looked, she realized she may have pushed back a little too hard.

The whole room hushed together, and Sexxica walked up to Emily like she was the queen of something important, and she smiled the smile of someone whose cruelty knew no bounce.

“I like you, Emily Blah-blah-blah,” said Sexxica, and some of the meaner looking vampyres laughed, because she’d just made fun of her name. “So I almost don’t want to tell you this…”

“No, Sexxica–don’t!” said Trudude, who looked somewhat impaled himself. Slutty, mean Sexxica ignored him and turned her whore self back to Emily.

“I…had…the…” started Sexxica, with sly.

“No, Sexxica!” yelled Trudude.


“Sexxica, no!” shouted Trudude.


“Stop, Sexxica!” wailed Trudude.


“Sexxica, you must desist!” howled Trudude.


“Estop your procedure!” vociferated Trudude.


“For the love of Moonglow Daggarherat, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOO!” claxoned Trudude.

“…mouth!” said Sexxica.

The whole room faltered to silence, and you could totally tell that Sexxica instantly regretted opening her stupid mouth, and that everyone knew now that she was a TOTAL slut, for sure. Emily looked over at Nightfin, but his ever-tumbling eyes were now, like school in the summertime, closed to her.

“Is it true?” she asked of him, but in the center part of the core of her heart, she knew it was a verity.

“I…um…she…we…you…them…” began Nightfin, by way of explanation. Emily tried to lasso his two see-orbs, but they were just as good at being elusive as they were at being sexy.

For a moment Emily wanted to cry, but then she didn’t for some reason, and it was cool. I don’t know. She just dealt or something.

Before anyone could say anything important, one of the less-sexy vampyres ran up to the shell shocked group in a manner that would certainly indicate that he had a very important announcement, possibly having something to do with something else that has happened that, up to this point, you were not certain what it had to do with this story.

“Stop the presses!” shouted the demi-sexy vampyre.

“Here come the mummies!”





  1. Posted December 14, 2009 at 10:35 pm | Permalink

    *laughing my ass off*

  2. Posted December 15, 2009 at 11:00 am | Permalink

    you get 100 bonus points on this one for using the word “juggernaut” so early in the chapter:)

  3. elliomeg
    Posted December 15, 2009 at 10:27 pm | Permalink

    blaséxy is my new favourite word

  4. Andy
    Posted December 18, 2009 at 8:39 am | Permalink

    Oh, snap, MUMMIES! How will Emily and Nightfin get out of this one while still remaining all blasé and sexy and whatever?!

  5. Rachel
    Posted December 24, 2009 at 12:06 pm | Permalink

    SOMEBODY has been reading Charlaine Harris. Love the “by way of”. Wouldn’t be a vamp story without it.

  6. elliomeg
    Posted December 30, 2009 at 2:57 am | Permalink

    Judst hav too axe Y teh “CONFINUE” to pRt x?

  7. James
    Posted October 11, 2010 at 5:36 am | Permalink

    Absolutely amazing. made me learn the truth about vampyres. which i always thought was vampires.

  8. James(vampire on aqwords(a game with P and S))
    Posted October 12, 2010 at 5:55 am | Permalink

    As i posted yesterday. well. isnt it like totally amazing that she has dorky clothes then it just surprises her with awesome clothes that her closet “lets her heart live” just like it said the closet was the executioner of her heart.

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