Emily and the Really Sexy Vampyre – Part 3

by N.K.L. Storm

[Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs, administered by Paul and Storm]

[editor’s note: this section appeared on the sidewalk directly in front of the editor’s house, paper clipped together in a “Juicy” bag along with a note requesting the return of the Trapper Keeper ™]

So you remember Trudude, who was also called Nick? Well, he was still back at the Softy-Cold all the while when Emily and Nightfin were sharing their magical times. And then three COMPLETELY gothic kids came up to him.

“Hey,” they all said to each other. Trudude gave them all ice creams for free, and caffeinated beverages, and it wasn’t a big deal or anything. Clearly they were certainly friends.

“So have you seen Nightfin?” asked this girl who looked like a TOTAL slut, though her boots were pretty factually awesome.

“I guess so-I don’t know–no, definitely not–YES, yes I have!” said Trudude, who was totally busted by the girl’s slutty whiles.

“Tell us where he is,” said this other boy, who was very diverse looking. And I guess there was an exotic looking girl with him (who was the third person), and they were probably going out together.

“No, I can’t!” said Trudude, who didn’t want to get Nightfin in trouble. But the slutty girl had these, like, goo-goo laser eyes or something, and she zapped his brain. “Okay, come with me,” he said.

And they all went with him. To go find Nightfin (who was with Emily, if you will remember, right?)

Mystical Symbol

Nightfin paced back and forth, biting his brooding lips, his hair falling over his face, like a long-haired cat with a mane. Emily could feel the pulse of his confusion, and knew he must be smart and not just good looking, because he was definitely thinking a lot.

“I have to tell you something, and it’s might certainly COMPLETELY upset you,” said the uncertainty-strewn Nightfin. But Emily could feel his heartlight, and knew.

“You’re a vampyre,” she said.

Then Nightfin went all stiff, and for a second Emily thought he’d knock her block off. But then he relaxed again, and sexy.

“Yes,” he said, breathing hard. “I’m totally of the vampyren–but we’re not what you think we are!”

Emily remembered what Mrs. Hately had said about all the vampyres being dead, and how TOTALLY busted she was.

“I entirely KNEW it!” she said. “But why does everyone think you were decimated out of existence?”

A sexy shadow fell across Nightfin’s face and blue eyes, and he breathed deep the gathering gloom. At his very moment Emily felt almost holy to be so proximate to him.

“Verily, it is true, we almost were decimated away, for good,” said Nightfin, who gazed deep into Emily’s eyes, like he was looking for something at the bottom of a big, empty paper bag, in a room that didn’t have much light. Emily felt sad teardrops start to bunch up in her own gazey eyes.

“No, no!” said Emily.

“You must not cry tasty tears!” swooned Nightfin, breaking his gaze, then looking back because she was so unknowingly beautiful, then snapping his head off from her again.

“I–I won’t!” said Emily, who was starting to feel pressure building up in her guts. But she got her act together, and Nightfin did too, and he looked back into her, so it was cool.

“So anyway,” intoned Nightfin, “We were hunted and stuff for a while, and some really bad things happened, and it sucked. But we vampyren have powers and things, so it worked out OK.”

“Wow,” said Emily, who was amazed by the mysticism of him.

“You see, we vampyren come from a different place that is not of this world, but is in this world, but entirely not.”

“Like an island?”

“Sort of,” said Nightfin. “But more like a barely-perceptile space-place. Of the mind.”

“So it’s like another dimension,” finished Emily. Nightfin’s jaw dropped in surprise, but in a sexy way.

“You totally understand!” he said. “I already knew you were smart and beautiful, but you seem to know so much about my people’s ways, with instinct power.”

“But I want to know more,” said Emily, hungry for the thirst of knowledge. “Tell me all about your ways, and your intransigent powers.”

But before Nightfin could even start to fathom for her, this weird wind started to blow, and though it made Nightfin’s mane-head look very sexy and wise, it was a portend of no good.

Mystical Symbol

Now did the wind blow, and hence did the air glow, and thence, as if strewn aloft from the very wind that had been most unnaturally wrought, and in an eerie spectrum light, these kids showed up.

“Oh-ho, what have we here!” said the diverse boy, who minorities would TOTALLY love.

“I thinky Nighty-wighty finny-winny blah blah blah!” said the exotic-looking girl, who now that you can see her better is some kind of Asian, probably Chinese or something. Or Korean, because you’d never expect that.

“I’m sorry my good friend!” said Trudude, and the slutty girl pushed him into a tree, just to show how mean she was. “Ouch!” said Trudude, and he dropped his caffeinated beverage.

“Well, well, well,” said the slutty girl, who walked up to Nightfin and Emily. You could tell that she thought she was all fancy and sexy, but she was totally NOT, and she had on WAY too much perfume–and it was the slutty kind. “It looks like someone has deployed himself a new toy.”

“What’s it to you, Sexxica?” said Nightfin to the tawdry girl, who was all, like, standing there in her boots thinking she was all that.

“Well, we vampyren have very calibrated standards, and maybe we don’t like her,” said Sexxica. “Maybe she’s stupid. Maybe she’s ugly. Maybe she’s short. Maybe she has a dumb voice. Maybe she can’t dance good. Maybe her clothes are retarded. Maybe she likes Pokemon and dumb rollerskates. Maybe her hair is lame. Maybe she snores. Maybe she’s good at math. Maybe she isn’t sexy AT ALL. And maybe she doesn’t enjoy caffeinated beverages!”

And like a lighting bolt, Sexxica threw a can at Emily–and Emily totally caught it! All of the vampyres stared at her, especially Nightfin, to see what she would do. Emily opened the can of caffeinated beverage and drank it, because it just wasn’t a big deal or anything, and she drank them all the time and it was normal for her, so it just wasn’t a big deal.

Sexxica looked annoyed, but kind of impressed, but you could tell she was proudly (and maybe OK in her own slutty way).

“Well, that doesn’t prove anything,” she incanted, tossing her gothic head. But all the other vampyres could see that the ice was well past the broken point.

“Don’t be such a…a mummy!” said Trudude, and all the other vampyres went all like “oooooooooh!”, like it was the biggest insult in the whole wide world. And it made Sexxica REALLY made. And her eyes started to glow red, and Emily turned her head away for the solace of Nightfin’s truly blue eyes.

But there were churning conflicts in the fathomy deeps that she found there, and the whippy-wind was going again, all the vampyres looked kinetically sexy.

“Well, maybe she’s not so blasé,” said Sexxica. “Let’s she what she’s like without Nightfin’s vamp-aura!”

And there was a flash of light, and the wind was gone, and all of the vampyres were staring at Emily. And her tummy started to ache. And she remembered all the ice cream she ate. And she looked at Nightfin. Then Trudude. Then Sexxica. Then back to Nightfin. Then over to those other two. And then, finally and at last, back to Nightfin.

And she cut the cheese, big time.

All of the vampyres started to laugh, HARD–except for Nightfin but Emily didn’t notice that–and Emily wanted to be anywhere except for this sad place in the woods, which stupid Sexxica had just dessicated.

And so Emily began to run, and Nightfin shouted “WAIT!” with romance, but it wasn’t enough, and the vampyre’s laughing was too loud, and she RAN, RAN, RAN, and CRIED, CRIED, CRIED!

All the way home.





  1. Posted November 25, 2009 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    I wonder if whoever wrote this realizes that “decimate” actually means “remove 1/10th of.” ::ducks::

  2. Colbud
    Posted November 27, 2009 at 11:48 pm | Permalink

    Hey Colleenky, they mean to use words incorrectly. It’s party of satiric wooden stake they are driving into the vampyric profit monster heart that is Twilight!

  3. Posted November 30, 2009 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    Decimate means remove 1/10th of ducks? I think the word you’re looking for is duckimate!

  4. Tony
    Posted November 30, 2009 at 4:54 pm | Permalink

    …and he breathed deep the gathering gloom. Nice!

  5. jkaymartin
    Posted November 30, 2009 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    ZOMG!!1! I so like totally almost hystericized when he breathed deep the gathering gloom! r u srsly? I mean, his silky gaze could not have whipped from his moody blues faster than the heaving of her stomach, as Emily’s song ripped through his throat in the voice of a melancholy man, than if they were the eyes of a child.

    What a tubulourous story – luv, luv, luv it!

  6. Posted December 1, 2009 at 12:50 am | Permalink

    and yet…. after reading the three chapters… I cant help but expect chapter four to be about pickels trapped in a fridge trying to solve the missing pickels case….

    …btw that podcast ruled so much:)

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