Westerosi Pie


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(Based on “American Pie” by Don McLean)

A long long time ago
I can still remember
When Eddard Stark was not yet dead
You’d think that maybe he’d have learned
How good intentions get you burned
But soon enough, the Hand had lost his head

Then through the course of several novels
And all the royal houses’ squabbles
The Westerosi marquee
Grew increasingly less Stark-y

I can’t remember if I cried
When Maester Luwin was cast aside
Something broke me deep inside
The way my favorites died

Bye bye every lady and guy
From beheadings and Red Weddings
And White Walkers and spies
Assassins, dragonfire and poison in wine
Wonder which’ll be the way that I die?
Which’ll be the way that I die?

Do you remember that first hour
With the Lannisters humping in the broken tower
And Bran had to take the fall

The butcher’s boy got ridden down
Viserys got his golden crown
And Uncle Benjen bit the dust out beyond the Wall

Syrio said “not today”
But Death came for him anyway
Renly was the first of his name
But a shadow killed him, all the same

Danerys put the Masters in their place
While Podrick was rounding past third base
The Mountain mushed in Oberyn’s face
The day some more folks died

They were singing


John Arryn got planted six feet down
Peter Dinklange’s accent went wandrin’ ’round
As the dragons ate a la carte

The torture scenes went way too long
Theon lived but he lost his dong
And Ser Jorah Friendzone broke Khaleesi’s heart

Jon Snow discovered oral sex
King Joffrey shat on his subjects
Mance Rayder became a roast
The Freys were such shitty hosts

That before the bedding could even start
“The Rains of Castamere” topped the charts
Jamie Lannister sent them his regards
The day the Starks all died

They were singing


Every last Baratheon
Fell like teardrops, one by one
I guess that’s the price of war

Hodor Hodor, Hodor Hodor
Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor
Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor

Lysa flew just like a frisbee
Stannis’ daughter’s extra-crispy
Tyrion was bitter
Shot Tywin on the shitter

The Hound and Arya, now allies
Ate every fucking chicken and stabbed some guys
But now they’re all just food for flies
‘Cause George said “All men must die”