The Pirate’s Feast

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When I was a young man, I headed to sea
My very first ship was the Scarlett Marie
In swiftness of sail there was no vessel greater
The Captain was brave, though a poor navigator

For thirty straight days, we wandered and drifted
We bleached in the sun, and we prayed the wind shifted
And as he lay dying, the Captain’s decision
was that we should eat him for want of provisions

So we…
Chopped off his fingers and toesies for starters
Pulled out his intestines and wore ’em for garters
Tore out his tummy and opened it wide
Ripped off his pecker and chucked it aside
Gathered the pieces and cooked up a stew
And our bellies were full by the time we were through

Some of the men thought we’d acted too hasty
But as for myself…well, I found him quite tasty
So several days later, with no land in sight
Once all of the crew had tucked in for the night…

Tore off their balls and severed their heads
Ran them all through, ’til the deck had run red
Scooped up the goop from their skulls like molasses
Pulled out their lungs and filleted their arses
Served it all up with a side of au jus
And my belly was full by the time I was through

Old Peg-leg Pete was all bones and no meat
I reduced ‘im to gravy and served ‘im on Davy
Atop the buffet there was gunner pâté
Delivered from rivers of livers I’d slivered
I dined on the Chinaman’s spine with fine wine
But the sailor from Sicily proved to be gristly
Smoked a Jamaican to make me some bacon
Just as peas go with carrots, Portugese pair with parrots

Alone on the frigate, high atop the main mast
I spotted a ship to the rescue at last
The Captain said “Come aboard; my, you look famished!”
He brought me good rum and a roasty-beef sandwich

Bit off his nose and grated his skin
Ingested his testicles, chewed up his chin
Methodically butchered the crew to a man, an’ I
Fired their sphincters to sea from a cannon
The first mate was great, but too small for the plate
So I broasted the bastard with roast quartermaster
Cabin boy innards were winners for dinner
With swabbie kebabs, tar tartare, “Arrr”-b-que
And my belly was full by the time I was through!

(written for “The Guild”, Season 4; music by Paul and Storm; lyrics by Paul and Storm and Felicia Day)