The Ballad of Eddie Praeger

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There on the barstool sat old Eddie Praeger
Filled with three Schlitzes and three shots o’ rye
Joe the bartender poured two shots of Jäger
Old Eddie downed them with a belch and a sigh

The bartender thought that he heard Eddie mumble
About “draining the lizard,” then he asked for one more
He pushed back his stool and resignedly stumbled
To the room with the stick-figure man on the door

Down in the basin sat a faded pink discus
A urinal cake near the end of its days
Tired and misshapen, smelling slightly of citrus
A lifetime of battles had it worn near away

Eddie regarded his sweet-smelling rival
And began to attend to the business at hand
The condom dispenser and the 60-watt light bulb
Bore silent witness to the cake’s final stand

Eroding, eroding, eroding away
O, the cake, she was bound to go under that day
Eroding, eroding, eroding away
And with one final flush
She was gone

Old Eddie fumbled into launch position
Drunkenly struggling to undo his fly
The cake stood prepared for her suicide mission
To stand through the deluge of the oncoming tide

The urinal cake stared at old Eddie Praeger
Or maybe it would have, if it had had eyes
Eddie unloaded his Schlitz, rye and Jäger
The cake sat there slowly reducing in size

He paused for a moment, o’ercome with a shiver
A deep-forest silence pervaded the room
He thought about waterfalls, fountains and rivers
And soon enough, Eddie’s bombardment resumed

The outcome, of course, was a foregone conclusion:
Valour and bravery wasted in vain
She broke into pieces in the swirling profusion
The push of a lever, and she spun down the drain


Old Eddie Praeger returned to his bender
Never to think of the conflict again
And long after closing time, Joe the bartender
Placed a new cake where the old one had been