Bad Advice #0003

Bad Advice Comix will be back, but in the meantime pull up a chair and prepare to receive wisdom.

THE DISCLAIMER: I’m not an expert of any kind, I cannot vouch for the efficacy or legality of my advice, and as a blanket statement recommend that no one should follow it, ever. It is bad advice. I will also not be held accountable if any of my advice is found to be thought-provoking, or if any portion therein could be deemed to be, by a deranged mind, constructive.

Hiya Storm,

My question deals with colleges yayy! Since I am pretty sure I want to be in Virgina/DC/Pennsylvania area, since I want to major in history. Would you happen to know about the colleges in Virginia? Like which ones are pretty good, etc and any advice about colleges would be awesome ( picking / applying to them ). I would be applying from out of state (CA)


As a native of the DC area (and liker of Pennsylvania), I know quite a bit about every college within a 100 mile radius of my home, and am myself a University of Maryland College Park grad. So I’m going to let you in on the dirty little secret about the local higher education scene: they are all, in fact, one big school. Not only that, but the curricula of the allegedly different history departments consists solely of taking students to the various local monuments, parks, and museums in the area (most of which are free to the public) and allowing the Park Rangers and docents to do all of the teaching.

So my advice to you is to save your money, buy a few maps and guidebooks, and do it yourself instead of mucking about with collge. Blog about your exploits every week, and in four years’ time you will be as much an expert as Doris Kearns Goodwin or Shelby Foote. If you still feel the need to hang something on the wall when you open up your history agency, I will fashion a degree for you.


Dear Storm,

My friend’s boss is being a douchecanoe, and has laid her off after taking advantage of her willingness to do work above and beyond her job description and compensation. How best can I exact my revenge from afar?

–Concerned friend

I have no idea, but have chosen to publish your question because the term “douchecanoe” is terrific. Good luck, though.


Dear Storm,

I have decided to learn to play the banjo. Can you give me any advice on how to be a comedy musician?

– Banjo, no Kazooie

Becoming a comedy musician is a rewarding, noble, well-respected and lucrative pursuit which I highly recommend. That said, DO NOT LEARN BANJO IF YOU INTEND TO DO COMEDY. Steve Martin incorporated banjo into his act with great success in the 60s and 70s, and since then every comedian who has attempted to do likewise has “disappeared”.

Remember the comic “Grinnin’” Nate Gordon? Probably not. He was found in a dumpster outside of Knotts Berry Farm in the late 60s, a Washburn 5-string in pieces beside him. Did you know that “Weird Al” Yankovic’s first instrument was the banjo? Any guess as to why he switched to accordion? Uh-huh.

Best stay away from the banjo.


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  1. Oraxia
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 4:21 pm | Permalink

    So… are “Storm U” degrees going to be available by request to the rest of us too, then? 🙂

  2. Posted May 17, 2011 at 4:29 pm | Permalink

    Oraxia et al – email me your bona fides and an address to send it to, and I will mail you a degree. This offer stands until I’m tired of doing it, which will probably happen very quickly, especially if a lot of people take me up on the offer.


  3. Melissa
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 5:39 pm | Permalink

    Billy Connolly plays banjo in his act from time to time, and he’s still around.

  4. Posted May 17, 2011 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

    I am certain that if examined by a medical professional, Billy Connolly would be found to be, in fact, dead and/or animatronic.

    This is by no means a slam on him. It’s merely the only rational explanation for his continued live existence in light of his comedy-banjo proclivity.


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