Rating Muppet Beauty

Like most non-insane folks, I only want to be associated with things and people that are beautiful. But how do you know if someone is truly attractive, and that you’re not just being tricked into thinking something is beautiful and, therefore, worthy of attention?

It’s a question that’s flummoxed philosophers and poets for thousands of years. Now, thanks to The Internets, we no longer have to guess! While trawling Reddit.com, I came across a number of pictures in which people posted results from the website Anaface.com (yes, if you scan it quickly it appears to be “Anal Face”), which allows you to empirically quantify the beauty of any face to within 1/10th of one percent.

I know! I could hardly believe it, either! But after extensive research and testing, I determined that it was 100% accurate. I don’t have time to get into my methodology, but suffice it to say it involved lots of tubes and wires, and careful notes. Once satisfied, I decided to double-check my internal calibration of beauty by running a Muppet through the test. Specifically, Bert, who had always been my lode star against which all other stars’ beauty was rated. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw the results when I ran Bert through the process.

Poor Bert! But I didn’t stop there, and ran two dozen Muppets through the process. And because I’m that kind of nerd, I arranged them into a convenient chart:

…and as you can see, most Muppets turn out to be absolutely hideous. And so it is with great sadness that I must no longer profess love of the Muppets, with the exception of Gelflings and Dr. Bunson Honeydew. But just barely. And maybe the Swedish Chef when I’m drunk.

Check out a sampling of individual results after the “More”, but beware…they’re HIDEOUS.

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