Bagels and Robots
(Saturday-Sunday, March 18-19, 2006)

Although we've been nice and busy doing our weekly "news" wrap-ups, we haven't strayed far from home. Which tends to make us a little stir crazy. Our solution was to book a quick weekend mini-tour: Saturday opening for our old friend and certified folkie nutjob Vance Gilbert in Northampton, MA; and Sunday in NYC with a recent "discovery" -- singer-songwriter-all-around-smart-guy Jonathan Coulton.

First stop, the neo-hippie capital of the eastern US, Northampton, MA. A decent crowd turned out for the show at the Iron Horse Music Hall, and it's always nice to see the look on people's faces when they see us for the first time. No panties were thrown, but we did make a lot of new friends, including a very nice couple who are taking our music home with them to Denmark. Also, the end of the evening featured all three of us singing a rendition of "It's Not Easy Bein' Green" as Kermit the Frog, Aaron Neville, Yoda, Henry Kissinger, Stevie Wonder, and Paul-as-Vance Gilbert; we're still not quite sure how that happened, but there it was.

Finished up early enough to go to....

FOOD REVIEW: Teapot - Northampton, MA
CATEGORY: Asian (post-gig)
Rating: +1*

We keep coming back to this Japanese/Chinese restuarant for a number of good reasons. 1) fresh, thick-cut sushi 2) champion scallion pancakes, General Tso's, and dumplings, and 3) they're usually open late enough for us to chow down after a show at the Iron Horse. Service is usually indifferent at best, but then again we usually show up less than a half hour before closing. If you ask for spicy, you get spicy, and the portions are fair for the price. Despite being quite full, we still slinked around the corner after our late repast to our other Northampton favorite...


FOOD REVIEW: Herrell's Ice Cream - Northampton, MA
CATEGORY: Ice Cream Parlor
Rating: +1

Even though we got there too late for shakes or mix-ins, their ice cream is so dang good that they still get a +1. Truth was, we were so full from dinner that anything more than a small cup or cone would have a-sploded us. Burnt sugar and butter ice cream never fails to deliver the goods.


The next day we had a quick breakfast with our friend (and order fulfillment guru) Patty**, and trucked on down to NYC, arriving early enough to wander around a bit in the East Village. Upon stepping out of the car, we were almost immediately run over by a drove*** of hipsters rushing to the used CD store to sell their copies of the latest Sigur Ros disc before it becomes uncool. Later, we brushed right by Adam Sandler as he was preparing to film a scene for the upcoming movie Empty City. Stifled the urge to walk by him with our shoes on our hands, yelling "Lookit me, I'm Mr. Crazy-Shoe-Hands-Man, gimme some candy!" in that dumb-ass man-child voice he used to do all the time.

All of that star-gawking made us hungry, so we stopped into a little place we'd seen just down the street from the movie trailers:


FOOD REVIEW: Mini Thai Cafe - New York, NY
CATEGORY: Thai
Rating: +1

We weren't hungry enough for a full-on meal, but still did some damage on an order of pad Thai (beef), a nice 'n' spicy red curry, and tart and delicious soups (tom kha gai and another in a clear broth with shrimp). Service was fast and friendly, prices were low, and they didn't pull their punches on the heat. Added bonus: our seat in the front window afforded us a great view of the Village's never-ending parade of interesting-looking people. Saw a dude walk by who may or may not have been George Carlin. Left the restuarant quite contented.

The show went off great at the nearly-sold out, 75-seat Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction, a room with a great vibe -- the stuff of beat generation poetry readings/Lenny Bruce diatribes, with a little bit of subversive coup plotting mixed in. Rather than lots of individual small tables, the room had three long tables running down the walls and center of the room, giving it a "Great Hall from Hogwarts" feel, albeit smaller and with fewer wizards.

Coulton went first, and we sat in on a couple of his tunes. Jonathan has a real gift for writing from the perspective of the underdog. It's not easy to make a mad scientist who kidnaps a woman and attempts to woo her with genetic hybrids a sympathetic figure, but Coulton pulls it off. Throughout the set, the audience could be heard letting out that sympathetic "awwww!' sound, even as he described out-of-control robots taking over the earth. And his Flickr video song/presentation is pure genius.

Like the night before, our set went well, despite a little bit of leftover rust. (Before this weekend, it had been about 2.5 months since our last show, after all) Panties were thrown--though both were, in fact, men's underwear. (Thanks for that, Quigleys) Gonna put together a "Hall of Panties" whenever we get around to revamping the website****. Jonathan joined us for our new tribute song "Nugget Man (Robert C. Baker)".

Hung out a little bit after the show, but had to drive home that night. Still, we had enough time to make one stop before heading out:

FOOD REVIEW: H & H Bagels - New York, NY
CATEGORY: Bagels
Rating: +2

Nothing else is a New York bagel. Period. And at the top of the list is H & H. Fresh off the line around midnight, these big, beautiful babies had that magical, chewy texture that both Jew and goy crave. Bought four dozen between us, including several bialys. Winner of the night was the bagel covered in sea salt, making it kind of like a big, circular, bagel-y soft pretzel.

All in all it was good to be out in front of living, breathing people again. We'll be out there again in a week or two, so if you check our schedule and see that we're going to be near your town, please tell us where the good local food is.

Oh, right...and come out to the show.

Later,

Paul and Storm


* go here for an explanation of our food review scale
** no breakfast review, because Patty made breakfast--home cooking does not get reviewed (but for the record, the omelets were delicious, and the things she does with strawberries!)
*** a group of hipsters can also be called a "flight" or a "murder"
****that is, whenever one of our fans with mad web skills says "I'd love to redo your site in my spare time for free!"

Belated Oscar Gripe (and gripelets)

Okay, the Oscars may have been several days ago, but we have a bone to pick. Actually, there are several little bones we take issue with, but most of all it's this one big bone* -- a peeve that's grown from a pet into a pit bull in just four days.

We didn't mind that the Hollywood nabobs couldn't put their egos on a leash for just three minutes at a time during the ceremonies, which would have been long enough for them to realize how friggin' spot-on funny Jon Stewart was**. But that wasn't unexpected, what with the Academy Awards being the film industry's big annual orgy to its own self-importance***.

And to be fair, it was a pleasant surprise to witness the return of horrible, overwrought, and artsy dance production numbers. Because who in America doesn't yearn for the golden age of the Hollywood musical?

No, the major malfunction was the annual tribute montage honoring the film industry greats who passed away during the previous year. We take no issue with the tribute itself. It was actually one of the night's more genuine moments. The problem was a couple of omissions -- one in particular.

No Don Knotts.

Sure, they'd probably completed the edited sequence before the man died. But after a career like his, the least they could have done was slip in a two-second frame from The Apple Dumpling Gang, or even The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again. Did they snub him because he owed most of his fame to the small screen? It didn't matter to Scooby Doo, who was happy to solve mysteries alongside him, just like he did with other greats like Vincent Price, Abbott & Costello, and Mama Cass Elliot. And I'm sure they wouldn't have left them out of an obituary montage****. Was it because he was mostly loved by children? That may be, but I doubt they'll leave Roman Polanski out of their little montage when he kicks off.

So where's the love for Barney Fife? How about a moment of silence for Mr. Furley? I know they all saw Pleasantville, which also featured a certain gal who took home a golden homoerotic paperweight on Oscar night -- Reese Witherspoon.

Unjust. Unfair. And just plain wrong. If Reese had known ahead of time that the Academy would be rudely kicking Mr. Knotts to the curb, I'm certain she would have declined the "honor" of Best Actress******.

And don't even get us started about Darren McGavin. All in all, it adds up to a gigantic "shame on you" to Hollywood. And if they make it to heaven, I pity them if they need help from the sheriff's office.

Respectfully,

Paul and Storm


*that didn't come out right.

**and we're not just saying that because we want to be part of the Daily Show writing staff.

***and how self-important was THAT statement?

****except for maybe Mama Cass*****. She was certainly great, but not an actress.

*****contrary to popular myth, she did not die after choking on a ham sandwich. That's just well-intentioned but misguided ironic pathos.

******maybe not, but she would have at least done that unbearably cute lippy-pouty thing.

Snakes on a Plane

If there's one thing we love here at Paul and Storm Central Command, it's planes. Planes are cool: they fly all over the place, they make that cool zooming sound, and when you look at them from the front, they look like they're smiling, but still look like badasses at the same time.

And if there's one thing we love more than planes, it would be snakes. Snakes are even cooler: they slither around all silent (except when they rattle), they come in cool colors and patters, and when you look at them from the front, they look like they're smiling, but are still badasses at the same time.

So imagine our delight when we found out several months ago that a new movie would be coming out in 2006, and that movie was called Snakes on a Plane.

Snakes. On a plane.

Snakes. On. A. Plane.

That is so awesome in so many ways that it can barely be comprehended. Not the least of which is that the title says, in four words, everything you need to know about the movie. Which got us thinking about other movies in which the title spells out the entire concept:
- The 40 Year-Old Virgin
- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster

...and all of those movies are great, so there's no reason to think that Snakes on a Plane will break the streak.

And yet, it gets cooler still; because who's starring in the movie? Only Samuel L. Jackson! Only the coolest, baddest human being on the planet. (And beyond)*

And even though this movie doesn't come out until August, it's already got a heck of a following on the Interwebs. Here's a sampling of some of our favorite sites dedicated to the best high-concept film of 2006:

- Snakes on a Plane Wikipedia entry (A good starting point)
- screenwriter Josh Friedman's blog, an "insider's" perspective (The rest of the blog is quite interesting and funny as well)
- Jeffrey Rowland's Overcompensating (I find myself quoting this in everyday conversation, much to the chagrin of others)
- Snakes on a Blog (By someone with even more too much free time than us; includes poetry, lyrics, fan art, songs, and links to several fan-made trailers)
- Another Snakes on a Plane blog
- The best movie poster ever
- Snakes on a cake-plane


So join us in our quest to make this the highest-grossing non-summer-tentpole B-movie ever. Join the hype!

We Got Mother*!!%$#in' SNAKES,

Paul and Storm


*Okay, maybe there's one cooler person, but if so, he's a very close second.

Back to School

No, neither Paul nor I will be taking classes or otherwise seek formal edumacations any time soon. And, no, I haven't purchased one of those little plastic pencil boxes or a cartoon-themed lunch box (though I do have a mighty fine "Krofft Supershow" thermos, vintage 1976).

It's just that each Thursday, when we put together our "News of the Week" segment for Bob & Tom, I'm reminded of certain school-days experiences. More specifically, coming up with an original and (hopefully) funny song every week feels like the night before a paper is due, or cramming for a big exam.

In our case, the text book is whatever is happening in the news, which completely dictates the approach we take and what kind of song we do. We've only been at it for three weeks so far, but our system is starting to take shape.

Here's how it works:

Step 1: Culling. On Wednesday, we gab a bit over the phone about what the major news items seem to be, and try to guess what will still be remembered on Friday. Sometimes, the prominent news item is self-evident; usually, though, we have to rattle around a lot of possible different news bits. Of that news, we sift through to try and identify items that are innately funny. Our soldiers fighting and dying in Iraq? No so funny. Dick Cheney blasting a lawyer friend in the face? Unfortunate for the human skeet, but unquestionably funny. It's a fine line, really.

Step 2: Framing. By Wednesday night we decide what kind of song we'll write. The genre we gravitate towards depends on how deep and dense the news is. The more notable items there are, the better chance there is of coming up with a tight, rhyme-filled nugget of joy. Whereas a slow news week is more likely to produce a song about how slow the news week was*.

Step 3: Stewing. All day Thursday, we put together little building blocks that will come together, Voltron-like, later that evening. Musical framework is fleshed out, key phrases crafted. Household responsibilities fall by the wayside.

Step 4: All-niter!: Sitting down at our respective cockpit-like recording command posts, we start putting the beast together. We work with machine-like precision, a model of efficiency that would have made Henry Ford as green as a toad accidentally dropped into a bushel of snow peas. It's tough work, but the cocaine helps**.

Step 5: Collapse: By the time we finish at three or four in the morning, we no longer care if the reverb should be "plate" or "small room", and the song more or less lets us know when it's done.

Step 6: Wake up and putter around, nervously hoping that B&T play it, and that it gets laughs. Through the miracle of modern technology, we can listen in despite the fact that the show isn't available in either of our cities (Philly and DC), if we happen to be awake. If not, they have an archive that has a synopsis of what they did that day, downloadable hour by hour.

Step 7: Revel in triumph and pat each other on the back, or mope around all day thinking about how much we suck. You'd think after more than a dozen years, we'd have really thick skins when it comes to feedback. And I suppose we do. But when something you worked really hard on doesn't get the reaction you hoped for, or isn't played it all, that first moment is tough. Of course, the victories are more abundant than the flops, and the successes tend to breed more of the same.

Step 8: Lather, rinse, repeat. Win or lose, the new week starts fresh again, and we hope that the news will be even more "not-strange-funny-but-ha-ha-funny" than the week before.

Hoping that someone will do or say something really, really stupid at the Oscars,

Storm



*duh!

**not really. We've been using it for so long*** that it has no effect on us anymore.

***not really. Paul only started three years ago, and I took it up several months after him, after he assured me that I'd be a "better cocksman" if I took it****.

****not really. He actually said it might make me "less of a dork", but the real reason I took it was to try and get him to stop*****.

*****not really. I'd been dying to experiment with it ever since I saw "Scarface" in college. I used to run around my dorm with bags of baking soda, slurring profanity at my roommates and inviting them to say hello to my little friend******.

******not really. I lived in an on-campus apartment, where I fell asleep every night dreaming about the day when I'd get to try cocaine*******.

*******not really. Neither Paul******** nor I have ever tried cocaine, and I imagine we never will.

********to the best of my knowledge.