Food Review Primer*

Before touring – and the torrent of food reviews that will follow – begins again, we thought it would be good to familiarize you ahead of time with exactly how we rate the establishments we frequent and the food we eat.

THE SCALE

Our format is adapted from a popular rollercoaster rating system, and we used it for years in our old band:

Instead of your typical 1-10 deal, we operate on a scale that ranges from –2 to +3:

• A score of "0" means the food was fine, but we wouldn't go out of our way to eat there again.

• A score of "+3" is the best possible, and is ridiculously hard to earn. Food and service must both delight us in a special way.

• A score of "-2" is the most dubious (and rare), and is usually the result of someone becoming physically sickened by the food.

Restaurants are rated within their type – we rate hot dog stands against other hot dog stands (or similar foods), not schmancy steakhouses. Here are some of the more widely used categories (subject to change):

ROAD FOOD: Usually our first choice, unless one of us is already having digestive trouble. Often a local “joint” or local chain, the type of food varies widely. Could be great burgers. Could be a drive-in with pork cutlet sandwiches the size of your head and root beer to die for. Could be a place that serves snow cones with a gooey kielbasa core***.

DINER: sometimes a chain (Silver Diner) but usually independant. Sit-down service, wide variety of options, breakfast always available, gyros and souvlaki usually available.

FAMILY RESTAURANT: Similar to Diner and often a chain (Golden Corral, Denny’s, etc.) Usually less expensive than Diner. Plastic décor instead of chrome.

TYPICAL AMERICAN: A little nicer atmosphere and a little more expensive than Family, it can be local or chain (Applebee’s, Chili’s, TGI Friday’s). Often have lots of old crap on the walls Are known to invent "taste sensations", or at least give clever names to well-known dishes:

Appetizers
Pigs-in-a-Burka
Cheese Rinds
Sally Lips
French-Dip Pizza Fingers
Salad Tenders
Twirl-Steak
Crater Cods
Thrice-Fried Fries
Rib Rubbers
Slaw Smackerz
Baby Backs
Taco Stackerz
Beef Curtains
Tripe Stickerz
Oyster Skinz
Squid Pro Quo
Eel Clubbers
Toob Doodlez
Batter-Dipped Batter
Meat Stufferz
Funn Guts
Pork Snipers
Knife Lickers
GorillaKnucklez
Turkey Drifters
Bo Bo B'deebops
Mellow Marrows
Tendon Nibblers
Island-Style Mushroom Hurlers
Lemon Dabblers
Sink Cloggers
The Fried Amalgam
The Stinkpile

Soups
Sheboygan Pone Chowder
Cream of Brisket
Finger Stew

Salads
Rusty Garden Salad
Thistle-spray Vinaigrette

Entrees
Drunken Gristle
Parts o’ the Pig
Wyoming-Style Wide-Dish Pizza
Little Soy Bleu
Garnish Pie
Hobo Duck
The Greatest American Gyro
Nantucket Chicken Vault
Eggplant Conquistador
Sticky-butt Enchiladas
Triple-greased Willies
Slo-Mo Skirt Steak
Strangled Grouper
Lobster Cores
Veal Stirrups
Cajun Marty's Rib Obelisk
Carcass-lover’s Pizza

Desserts
Chocolate Pogrom
Holocaust by Chocolate
Jello Krispers
Apricot Latrine
Fork Pie
The Mawcrammer
Dr. Strudel's Maltese Cacophony
The Maginot Lime
Oreo Psychosis
Cheesecake Despair
Apple Cart Travesty
Strawberry Custody Battle
Flan-o-War

Sides
Carnival o’ Fries
Onion Throng
Puzzle Beans
The Potato Horde
Pickle Pile
Pork Cords
Crisper-Drawer Wilties
Pepper Flings
Chutney Rings
Tater Toast
Starfruit Battle
Dessicated Melon
Cabbage Flakes
Stacy's Famous Paste
Catcher in the Rice
Stately Plump Buck Mulligans
Tennessee Mashed Capers

For the Kids
Punkin Patch Corn Dogs
Uncle Fussy’s PB&J
Tantrum Fingers
Pasghetti Necklace
Cheese Sauce Platter
Koo Koo Noodlez
Ketchup Balls
Bredd Styx
Captain Awesome's X-treme Mac & Cheese
Grandma Fudgy’s Old-Timey Banana Split Supreme

Beverages
Stabbacat
Stew Pop
Bubblemilk

STEAKHOUSE (UPSCALE): You go there for one thing – tasty, tasty meat. Atmosphere can be anything from casual to stuffy, and there are usually other things on the menu. But the main attraction is bovine-smackin' satisfaction****. Can be either expensive or ridiculously expensive, chain (Morton’s, Ruth’s Chris) or local (St. Elmo, Peter Luger).

FAST FOOD (CHAIN): sometimes a necessary evil. Like the famous quote about pornography*****, you know it when you see it.

PIZZA or CHINESE or THAI or INDIAN or DELI or WHATEVER OTHER SPECIALTY: Self explanitory. Sub-described as sit-down or fast. Dim Sum merits its own category, separate from "Chinese".

There are other sub-descriptions we might use to help you understand how we’re rating a joint, such as:

After-gig: Rated as more of a late-night gathering spot and/or snack than a regular meal.
Dessert: Just needed to sate the ol’ sweet tooth.

I think that’s more than enough info to get everyone started. Yes, I do think (and will write) about things other than food sometimes. Just not right now.

Happy dining,

Storm (and Paul)


NOTES:

* I’ve always hated this word. Are you supposed to pronounce it like “prime rib” or like “prim and proper”? If it’s the latter**, it just sounds sooooo stuffy.

** That’s a pesky one, too.

*** Still looking for this.

**** I'll probably want to rephrase this later.

***** Look up the source yourself. I’m too busy.