The Way-Too-Early Christmas Song

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It’s not December
It’s barely even November
Outside it’s still too warm for snow to fall

Halloween was yesterday
And winter’s still a ways away
But try to tell that to the folks down at the mall

Inside’s a winter wonderland
I’m sorry, I don’t understand
‘cause mistletoe on Veteran’s Day seems wrong

But the shops are filled with Christmas cheer
And on the speakers, all you hear
Is the way-too-early Christmas song

Leaves just started changing
But the stores are rearranging
Their décor to wintry Christmas themes

See the red and green displays:
“Just 58 more shopping days”
And cardboard elves are planting plastic trees

Jesus in his manger cradle
Plus a little token dreidel
In a big display next to the Cinnabon

With three wise men and gifts they bring
Just plug them in, and they all sing
The way-too-early Christmas song

I know you need to satisfy your investors
But couldn’t you wait at least until the Savior’s third trimester?

Finally, just outside the Master-Cuts
Was Santa, and that fat bastard’s
“Ho ho ho”-ing drove me up the wall

Something snapped, I lost control
And kicked him square in his North Pole
And as he dropped, I decked him in his halls

So, my friends, I wish you well
From the mall security holding cell
I hope that they don’t keep me here too long

May you and yours find peace and love
Unless you are the writer of
The way-too-early Christmas song