Paul and Storm

It’s common knowledge that at any house party, people will gravitate to the kitchen. Why? There are many theories, but current research* into the kitchen’s superpower as a social hub cites its physical dimensions and furnishings, which allow a large number of people to casually arrange themselves at good conversational distances.

Think about it: there are lots of surface areas to lean on, and maybe some stools, all of which lend themselves to people coming and going with ease. Having an awkward conversation? No problem! Just take a step or two towards the hummus, and voilà–you’re interacting with someone else. The same escape from a living room couch? Awkward! And in any well-designed home kitchen, you’re usually never more than 2-6 feet away from where others are standing or leaning, which is perfect for either small group gabs or one-on-one talking.

So the question becomes: how can this knowledge be harnessed to make money? ANSWER: a catering hall or nightclub that’s nothing more than a series of interlinked kitchens (“Party In The Kitchen” for the former; PITK the later). Sort of like if you had a soiree at Ikea or a home improvement store with model kitchens, except that the fridges and ovens all work, popping out brewskis and pigs in blankets on-demand. Larger kitchens would have full bars; even the bathrooms would look like very small kitchens. And not only will PITK feature a variety of kitchen sizes and styles, but the windows will be LCD screens to give the illusion of being on the 60th floor of a Manhattan condo, or in a prairie farmhouse–or at the bottom of the sea, or ON THE FRICKIN’ MOON.

Yes, you DO want to go party there, right now. I do too! But aaaargh, it doesn’t exist! So although I have neither the time or funding to pursue its development, I’m offering this idea at no charge to the world in the hopes that someone will make it real. As ever, if you do make a zillion dollars with this concept, I’m not above accepting a token gratuity, such as a three foot high solid platinum sculpture of Chilly Willy, a chocolate factory, or a PITK franchise of my own.

*G. “S” Dicostanzo. “Kitchen as Social Nexus.” The Journal of Pulling Stuff Straight Out of My Ass. 2011.

It seems like the more birthdays I put behind me, the more they become an opportunity to reflect. Not that I don’t still enjoy a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey, but after blowing out the conflagration atop the birthday cake, it seems appropriate to try and make sense of one’s life, in addition to noting the fact that you’re still living it.

As I review past accomplishments and tragedies with family and friends, one particular moment keeps coming to mind that, in hindsight, put me firmly on the track towards being a professional entertainer. So if you ever wonder why creative people choose to do what they do (performers in particular), consider this short recollection a data point.

As with most stories told decades after the fact, some of the details may be colored by time, and one or two names have been changed. But for a certainty, in high school I was not what you’d call a ladykiller. Although not completely inept around the opposite gender, if you took a poll of every girl I knew up until late in my junior year, 70% would have marked me down as “A Good Friend”, 18% “Like a Sister To Me”, and 10% “Kina Weird, But Okay, I Guess”. (The remaining 2%, “Completely Botched His Chance”, is a compendium for another time.) Although I was good at talking with girls about classes, favorite flavors of Bubble Yum, and why Matt won’t ask her out, I had little confidence or vocabulary for expressing my own romantic interests. No, that’s not unusual for a 16-year-old. And it probably didn’t help that my misguided sense of nonconformity led me to neglect my personal appearance and, more importantly, my personal hygiene.
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Like most non-insane folks, I only want to be associated with things and people that are beautiful. But how do you know if someone is truly attractive, and that you’re not just being tricked into thinking something is beautiful and, therefore, worthy of attention?

It’s a question that’s flummoxed philosophers and poets for thousands of years. Now, thanks to The Internets, we no longer have to guess! While trawling Reddit.com, I came across a number of pictures in which people posted results from the website Anaface.com (yes, if you scan it quickly it appears to be “Anal Face”), which allows you to empirically quantify the beauty of any face to within 1/10th of one percent.

I know! I could hardly believe it, either! But after extensive research and testing, I determined that it was 100% accurate. I don’t have time to get into my methodology, but suffice it to say it involved lots of tubes and wires, and careful notes. Once satisfied, I decided to double-check my internal calibration of beauty by running a Muppet through the test. Specifically, Bert, who had always been my lode star against which all other stars’ beauty was rated. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw the results when I ran Bert through the process.

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In the tradition of Soup On Tap!, today I’m offering up another MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS IDEA. From yesterday:

[S] Today’s Million Dollar Idea: a restaurant that only serves leftovers.

Uh-huh. Although the premise runs counter to the “fresh food” movement that’s sweeping the nation from Brooklyn to Portland, the majesty of leftovers can not be denied. Is there any greater joy than a serving of chili from a batch that’s been in the fridge for three days? Or a few handfuls of ripened turkey, picked straight off the bones? Sure, that lasagne was plenty good when it came riding out of the oven on a cloud of garlic steam. But after Chef Time weaves her magic…ah, bliss.

A logical point that several people pointed out is whether or not they’re “leftovers” if they haven’t been served at least once before. Maybe not technically, but the march of Commerce cares not for such trifling details! Commerce has enough to worry about with the health inspectors, who may not cotton to an eating establishment that keeps batches of food around, unfrozen, for a week or more at a time. Yes, I’m sure it happens ever day at non-fictional/non-silly restaurants. But it’s not their stated business model.

As for what this gastronomical gold mine will be called, I’ve settled on “Om Nom Mom’s”. Like many who posted name suggestions, the first one that came to mind was “Mom’s Kitchen”, but a quick Google search shows that there’s one “Mom’s Kitchen” for every ten people in the United States (one for every two in Tennessee). But for the sake of putting other people’s cleverness to good use, here are some of the other highlights (links go to the source tweets):

• Re-Hash
• Deja Food
• Sloppy Seconds (credit also to an old friend, Doug Mixer, who suggested it on Facebook)
• Seconds Place

As with Soup On Tap!, please do pursue this if you’re inspired. If successful, all I ask this time is for a trip on SpaceShipTwo (or a comparable craft), a vellum transcription of ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky” signed by Jeff Lynne himself, a gold-plated zeppelin, and a high-quality vanilla milkshake.

Onward,

“S”

(go ahead and watch the video first. you know you want to, and it’s totally cool with me.)

Yesterday I touched on Jonathan Coulton’s appearance on NPR’s Planet Money podcast, in which one of the participants argued that, on the whole, the internet has been bad for individual musicians. Then I made some easy jokes.

Today I saw a short video called “Cats In Tanks”, which is another demonstration of why the internet as it exists today is absolutely a good thing for creative people and organizations. In short, if you’re doing something good that people are interested in, they will be able to find you without going through a host of middle-men and gatekeepers, giving you the opportunity to directly profit from your creative output.
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